Inspiration for this blog

When I first thought of writing this blog I was inspired by this song. While it may have been released years ago, and I'm not a fan of pop music psychology, I find it's words still relevant. I've chosen to bold the lines that are relevant for me today.

I don't drink coffee I take tea my dear
I like my toast done on the side
And you can hear it in my accent when I talk
I'm an Englishman in New York
See me walking down Fifth Avenue
A walking cane here at my side
I take it everywhere I walk
I'm an Englishman in New York

I'm an alien, I'm a legal alien
I'm an Englishman in New York
I'm an alien, I'm a legal alien
I'm an Englishman in New York

If "manners maketh man" as someone said
Then he's the hero of the day
It takes a man to suffer ignorance and smile
Be yourself no matter what they say

I'm an alien, I'm a legal alien
I'm an Englishman in New York
I'm an alien, I'm a legal alien
I'm an Englishman in New York

Modesty, propriety can lead to notoriety
You could end up as the only one
Gentleness, sobriety are rare in this society
At night a candle's brighter than the sun

Takes more than combat gear to make a man
Takes more than license for a gun
Confront your enemies, avoid them when you can
A gentleman will walk but never run

If "manners maketh man" as someone said
Then he's the hero of the day
It takes a man to suffer ignorance and smile
Be yourself no matter what they say

I'm an alien, I'm a legal alien
I'm an Englishman in New York
I'm an alien, I'm a legal alien
I'm an Englishman in New York

http://www.sting.com/discog/?v=so&a=1&id=128

Common Sense

It’s been said that common sense isn’t as common as it sounds and I have to say this is true beyond belief. Case in Point: according to the Washington Post the state of Virginia is considering a law that would ban text messaging while driving. Let’s skip all the philosophical discussion about how the state is imposing it’s will on it’s citizens. Instead let’s marvel at how sad it is that they even need to think about such a thing.

I’ve had a cell phone since sometime in 1994, my family has had one since the late eighties when they were the big giant things that looked like the walkie-talkies you saw in WWII movies. Never in that time has any member of my family been involved in accident while using the device. I contend this isn’t due to a miracle of odds, but rather a respect for the limits of the operator. No one ever tried writing down directions while driving and on the phone. No one ever tried navigating city streets and talking on the phone. Our cars were also usually equipped with the speakerphone option so that we could keep both hands on the wheel and continue to check our mirrors etc. Conversations on the phone were limited in length and usually only for truly pertinent information at the time. All of these habits most likely extended from my father’s extensive use of a CB radio while working as a professional driver.

The use of the speakerphone just seemed like common sense to us. It enabled us to free our hands and our concentration to the primary task at hand, driving. However that common sense seems to be lacking from a great majority of people. If it wasn’t than no state or locality would have to consider banning talking on a cell phone while driving or texting while driving.

I’m not opposed to the ban. Those who engage in behavior that distracts them from driving a vehicle are a danger to their fellow citizens and should be dealt with accordingly. If they were only putting themselves in danger I would be opposed to the ban. For example if we told them not to put their finger in a live electrical outlet, and they did, they would only be hurting themselves. At that point you would just sit back and think “Darwinism at work.” However when they put others in danger, not to mention themselves, you have to wonder what they’re thinking, or thinking with.

A new year, and no resolutions, just more posts

I had a chance to do some thinking about this blog over the weekend (5 hours in a car to be precise). About topics for future pieces and what I’d like to cover. I think part of reason I haven’t posted much lately is that I keep thinking I need to have long posts. However being a gentleman isn’t about things that lead one to long and elaborate posts, they’re usually short little things. They shouldn’t require much embellishment or explanation either. So on that note. Away we go into a new world of shorter thoughts.

The differences between Gifts & Presents

First, my apologies for the lack of posts recently. It is amazing how quickly time passes sometimes.

The passing of the Thanksgiving Holiday brings about one of my favorite times of year, the holidays. In my case Christmas. I’ve never been able to fully explain why I like this time of year as much as a I do. To be honest it’s quite irrational really. Perhaps it is truly the optimist in me that sees hope that all is not lost and that there is a spirit of compassion and humanity amongst us all.

As the holiday season is nearing I though it appropriate to write about gifts and presents. I had hoped to write today about the difference between a gift and a present. However, after conferring with The New Oxford American Dictionary second edition there appears to be no difference at all. Entries for both words point back to each other. However I maintain that there is a difference, terminology not withstanding, between an item given to someone because you want them to have that item, and an item given because they asked for it.

When I graduated from high school my grandfather gave me a watch. The timepiece itself is nothing spectacular. What makes that watch so special is my grandfather made the watch band. He melted the silver and poured it, tooled it and then inlayed pieces of turquoise. It’s not at all my style, never has been, but I’ve always respected the amount of work and effort he put into it. He also fashioned a silver and turquoise belt buckle for me as a child, which I still have as well. These I term “gifts”. They are items he wanted me to have. I tend to look at them as symbols that he cared enough about me to take the time to create something unique with his own hands.

“Gifts” do not necessarily have to be hand made, they do usually require some thought on the part of the giver as to the receiver. What might they like, what might they need, etc. A gift should enable the giver to display that the receiver is important to them. It should demonstrate that you’ve paid attention to them over the past year, that you understand their likes and dislikes.

“Presents” on the other hand are generally items which a person might already want. A child may have created a Christmas List and therefore there is little though required on the part of the giver.

What should the Gentleman do this holiday season? That should be obvious. If the recipient is a child, by all means give a “present”. If the recipient is an adult, try to give a “gift” if at all possible.

Money

In an earlier post I wrote about the importance of maintaining your acquaintances' anonymity in e-mails, and maintaining their contact information in confidence. In addition to maintaining the anonymity of one's contacts, a gentleman should also maintain any monetary information in confidence should he happen upon it. Furthermore, a gentleman should never reveal how much money he has or how much he earns; with the obvious exception being to his accountant. First, it's of no one's business but your own. Second, no good can come from it. As mentioned with name dropping, those who matter won't care, those who care don't matter.

My father-in-law was in town recently. He hasn't really seemed to warm up to me: thus, I confess, I wasn't particularly looking forward to his visit. The last time I saw him was at our wedding. I mention him here because he provided me with plenty of footwork experience at side stepping his questions regarding a recent promotion I received. I admit I was expecting this line of questioning, as when my lovely wife, beaming with pride, told him over the phone I had been promoted. I knew he was asking how much of a raise I got due to the way she continued the conversation. Fortunately for me, my wife happens to view this subject the same way I do, it's none of his business.

Throughout the weekend I was questioned from many different angles about the raise I got, and how much I had in the way of savings. And at each question I politely gave a vague answer such as "Well it's not enough to shop for a new Ferrari." "Is it enough for your daughter to stop working? That's a bit irrelevant, she's not ready to stop at this point." When questioned about my investments, I just mentioned that I had reallocated them in the past two years and was very pleased with their performance, averaging near 20%. This was the only time I bothered to mention a number, as he has no idea how much I do or do not have to start with, and I admit a little bit of pride in that number (not bad for a novice) caused me to let it slip. (Remember I never said I was the perfect gentleman.) That also seemed to calm him down, as after that his questions about money subsided. For those of you who are thinking that he's just being a protective father, read on.

Why, you may ask, aside from being private, do I not share these details with him? For a very good reason. If I were, everyone he talks to would know. An example will provide the best evidence. My brother-in-laws girlfriend borrowed a small sum (think in terms of Micro Loans for women in developing countries) from him two years ago, shortly after finishing her graduate degree, while trying to find a job. Until that was repaid we constantly heard him go on about how he had lent her money. She has since repaid that tiny loan, and now has a decent job with a good salary, and again we now constantly hear about the salary. I'm sure if she knew that we were being told on a regular basis how much she earned she'd be horrified. And that is why I don't share my numbers with him.

Along a similar vain, every two or three years I'll hear the press shout about how much Wall Street's bonuses are for the year, and I'm always amazed. Not at the enormity of the amount, that never surprises me; instead I'm surprised about how open they are with it, practically sending out press notices on the matter. The amount of money being paid in bonus to brokers, etc. really is a proper time for them to respond with "Our focus is on helping our clients reach their goals, therefore we pay our brokers a competitive salary and bonus to ensure that we retain the best people to meet that end." To do anything else is the equivalent of them pulling down their zippers and holding a ruler there. I do apologize for being so direct, but sometimes even a gentleman must call a spade a spade.

A good Tailor

A gentleman knows the value of a good tailor, and upon finding one develops that relationship as he would any business relationship.

I'm at a bit of a loss today. You see after 12 years of building my relationship with my tailor, he's retiring. I can't blame him for retiring, as he said, he has his health, he owns the building he's in and he's selling at a good time. He plans on traveling once again as he did when he was a young man. I do wish him the best, and while I suspect he won't be having quite the same time he did as a young man traveling the world, I know he and his wife will enjoy themselves.

As I think about how to find a good tailor now, I can't help but think back to finding J. J is a third generation tailor, and it showed. His skill and craftsmanship were excellent. In an area with as many tailor shingles out as attorney shingles, where it's equally hard finding a good one of either, it was with some relief that I happened upon J by referral. Over the years we built a good relationship, he may not have always remembered my name (I didn't visit that often) but he always remembered me. We would talk about his family, he would inquire of mine and ask about my hobby (that he could always remember, and my latest exploits with it). When I let him know I was planning a trip to Italy he put me in touch with some people who made sure I would have a good time.

There are a number of sites on the internet about the tailoring of clothes, but the key thing for the Gentleman to remember is to build a relationship. This will be a key relationship for you for many years to come. Your tailor can make a $500 suit look like a $1500 suit, or a $5000 suit look like a $5 suit (but only if you upset him).

Recommendations are the best way to find a tailor, but not the only thing to go on. I was once referred to a tailor who has a nice little shop, with outrageous prices, and pictures of all the famous people he's fitted on his wall. I don't dispute the work was first rate, but I could tell that an 'average joe' like me was never going to build a proper relationship with him.

A good tailor should listen to what you like, which means asking you some questions about the way you like to wear your clothes. He'll perhaps be a little fussy, you may see him give some customers a hard time about wearing track shoes when they're trying to get trousers fitted, or wearing a tee-shirt when fitting a jacket. Of course a Gentleman knows these things in advance and will thus dress appropriately for his fitting. He'll be wearing the shoes he intends to wear with the trousers being fitted, it's important to help with the length and the break. Likewise he'll wear a proper dress shirt when having a jacket fitted.

A good tailor should be willing to let you put the items in your pockets that you would normally carry. It will help him figure out the adjustments needed so that you look good, even when you're carrying a phone and pda in your breast pockets. If you doubt the ability of a tailor to account for your "necessities" just pay close attention to the way suits fit Secret Service agents. If a good tailor can hide a piece, he can hide a cell phone and pda.

If you ask questions about how he got into the trade he'll usually be all too happy to proudly tell you, if your question is genuine. Of course being a gentleman, you will always treat your tailor, and anyone you encounter, as an equal at the least. Remember your tailor is considerably more capable at the task at hand than you are. The tailor is a skilled craftsman, and artist really, and as such deserves your respect. I saw far too many people treat J with just a feigned respect, and it showed. Don't do it. Be sincere! One last piece of advice, if your tailor is a small business person, as many are, pay in cash.

I'm going to miss J, but I'm hoping he'll be back too. Over a spiked espresso in the rear of his shop he hinted to me that after he was done traveling he just might open a new shop. I certainly hope he does.

Anonymity

After an entertaining brunch I've decided to write today about anonymity. A Gentleman should respect every one's privacy as much as possible. That entails a number of things:

e-mails:

• putting all recipients of a mass e-mail in the "bcc" section so that addresses are not displayed to everyone in your contacts list
  
• when forwarding an e-mail removing the information about the sender, unless you are giving credit to the sender for their efforts

telephone, address & e-mail:

• never giving out an acquaintances number to someone without being asked to do so by the owner of the number
• if a gentleman feels that someone he knows could benefit from contacting his acquaintance he should first contact the acquaintance to see if they are comfortable with their information being handed out; the exception to this being those in sales who rely on their contact information be made available to suitable business contacts
  

in person:

• should a gentleman find himself in a situation where in he is introduced to someone he has previously meet, perhaps under less than ideal circumstances, he should act as though he has never meet that person before unless the other party makes mention of their meeting first
• if the gentleman finds himself meeting someone taking pains to avoid recognition (i.e. baseball hat pulled down tight over head, etc.) the gentleman should then avoid calling attention to that person, and again act as though he doesn't know who it is.
• what should the Gentleman do if he's the one trying not to be recognized but is? Graciously thank the person for recognizing you and ask if they wouldn't mind doing you a favor, then explain that you're just running a few errands and you'd appreciate it if they'd keep it quite. If asked for an autograph, provide one, it might help with that favor you just asked. After doing so, quickly finish and then make your way out of there.
  

Further a Gentleman never "name drops." We all have friends of various levels of importance in their industry, community, etc. and under no circumstance should a gentleman name drop for the sake of making himself seem important. It generally only impresses people who don't matter, and those who matter won't be impressed by your lack of propriety. In fact such a display could cost the Gentleman a number of his acquaintances and contacts or worse, his employment.

What should the Gentleman do if his name is "dropped?" That, as all things do, depends on how you've come to hear of it, and in what context it was dropped. An example from my life. Shortly after having dinner with a couple my wife and I know, and a couple they knew, one of the new couple began saying to people "well my friend who owns 'such and such' says..." This made it back to me by way of the person saying it, to which I replied to her in a joking way that "yes, naturally my opinion on 'this or that' is immediately more valuable because I own 'such and such'" and we laughed. In other situations it's important to just come right out and tell the person name dropping that you don't want your name being mentioned anymore.

Of course should it come back to you from others that your name is being dropped. Apologize for any trouble caused by the name dropper and acknowledge where you know them from, if you do. (i.e. "Terribly sorry, I only know him/her from work (chance meeting, etc.). I do apologize for any trouble they caused you.")

This is by no means a comprehensive list of scenarios, but it should give you a good foundation to work from. The best policy to ask yourself, would I want what I'm about to do, done to me? Yes, that is a version of the "Golden Rule", but it works doesn't it? BTW that isn't to be confused with the Rule of Gold, where s/he that has the gold makes the rules.

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