The Atlanta to Pittsburgh via St Louis Favor

A gentleman should always be willing to do favors for his friends, particularly when it is something they are not capable of doing for themselves. But what about when you're asked by a friend to do a favor for one of their friends who is perfectly capable of doing it themselves?

On the evening of the 23rd I received a frantic call from a friend who needed to ask a favor. He wanted me to invite someone to have Christmas dinner with me. If my wife and I were hosting Christmas dinner this would not have been a problem. However we were not. We were in fact traveling to my parents for the holiday, a few hours away. "Oh, well do you think you could secure an invitation for this person?" was the reply of my frantic friend.

For the record, it is in incredibly bad form to ask someone to ask their host for an extra invitation.

The situation was described to me in parts, which when added together will make no sense to anyone. Least of all me. To clear things up a little, and make for an easier read, I'll call my friend "Chris" and his friend "Lucy". Okay, on with the tale.

Chris had previously invited Lucy to join him for the holiday. Lucy is in the area on a business project for the year and is hundreds of miles away from her family. This sounds very sweet and I fully encourage the welcoming of people into ones homes for the holiday's.

Chris explained that over the prior weekend he injured himself, and that was why he was asking if I could take Lucy in for the holiday. Thinking that this must be a serious injury if he was trying to find someone else to look after Lucy I inquired as to the nature. "Oh it's nothing really, I'll be back at work tomorrow." I started to wonder why he could return to work, but not accept Lucy's company the following day.

It was then that Chris remembers that our friend Joe lives closer to Lucy, and it would be easier for Joe to take her in for the holiday. It would be easier for Joe, however he already has full house with children, their spouses, and grandchildren. I'll just throw this in as a piece of relevant information, Joe and I have only meet Lucy three times, during which she's barely spoken to us.

About fifteen minutes later I get a call from Chris again, Joe is going out of town for the holiday and won't be able to take Lucy in, would I mind trying to get her invited to my family's dinner. "I'll see what I can do." I hang up with Chris and call my mother, as I'm talking with her Chris called 10 times during my conversation, never leaving a message. On the 10th call I put my mother on hold, figuring there's some sort of emergency for Chris to be so relentless in his calls. No emergency, just another idea. I do manage to secure an invitation from my mother, for Lucy. God bless my mother, she has a very warm heart, I knew if I explained the situation properly she'd welcome Lucy with open arms. I call Chris back with the news and he informs me he'll try and reach Lucy and get back to me tomorrow.

The following day Chris calls, Lucy doesn't want to impose on my family so now Chris wants me to drive Lucy to his place on my way to my parents. Geography is a pain, especially when you know it and others don't. This plan would have made sense if Chris' was along the way, but it wasn't. Imagine going from Atlanta to Pittsburgh, but stopping in St. Louis first.
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That was what I was now facing. I asked Chris why Lucy just didn't drive herself out to his place, she had a new car, was college educated, not in poor health, and the weather was going to be clear.

Then Chris explained that she was hopeless with directions and that if I didn't drive her out to his place (his injury made it difficult for him to drive) she'd just spend the holiday by herself in her little apartment with no heat, probably crying all day.

This caused a whole host of questions on my part. Why was she in an apartment without heat? Why doesn't she do something about it, like call the landlord? Because she lacks communication skills. What?! She's in a management training program at her company, how can she lack communication skills? How can she not know how to read turn by turn directions from mapquest or google maps? From all outward appearances she's a competent person, why is she being presented as incompetent?

On the ride back she thanked me for the lift and explained that she'd have just spent the day watching TV in her apartment. At that I could no longer resist, "Really?! You have a car, no? You could have driven yourself anywhere." And with that Lucy didn't say a word for the rest of the trip.

What troubles me about the situation was that she didn't even try. From where she was to Chris' is three roads and four turns in 50 miles. It frankly isn't that complicated, but it is time consuming. It doubled my driving time each direction.

A coworker of mine recently moved to a new town and is learning where everything around her is. Her second night at her new place she got lost trying to get to the shopping center. She called her boyfriend in a panic because she was lost. Turned out she was only 200 yards from the shopping center, a fact that she laughs at today, but at least she tried it on her own.

My wife has a friend who has lived her entire life in a major city and does not have a car nor has she learned to drive a car. If we're going by her place and she needs a lift that's on our way, we're happy to oblige

There are a lot of things to take away from this little holiday tale. I'll let you pick what you should take away. I only ask that you provide a comment of what I should say to Chris. I'm torn in my own emotions since I agreed to the favor, and yet I'm very annoyed at Lucy for not even trying.

How would you have handled the situation?

Media

My original thought was to post a list of the year's most ungentlemanly people... however that seems to fly in the face of what this blog is about. "Ahha!" I thought, "I'll make it a list of those who displayed the characteristics a gentleman should posses!" And then I realized that would be nearly impossible, since the media only reports the bad things people do. Rarely are the good deeds considered news-worthy.

Spreading the Holiday Cheer

Happy Holiday's one and all.

I was going to write a little guide to holiday tipping, however I'm sure I would have missed some situation and that would have distressed someone. Instead I will offer this little bit for your consideration.

If you are about on a Holiday and require the services of wait staff, or others, be as kind as you can and tip more than you usually would. Remember that for various reasons they are working on a day that they, and you, would most likely rather be at home with family and friends. If you are fortunate enough to have the day off (even if it's not 'your' holiday), the least you can do is spread some of that seasonal cheer.

How not to embarrass your children

While I do not have children at this time, I was none-the-less struck by the profound wisdom of a UK columnist last week with his guide on how not to embarrass one's children. If you click the title of this post you should be taken to the column.

What makes it even more interesting is that the behavior referred to not only occurs in the UK, but occurs here in the US as well. Perhaps lending credit to the statement that we are more alike than those in the UK would like to admit. Perish the thought!

Do have a read of the article, especially if you have children.

Bigger Fish to Fry

A few weeks ago the chap from my local car dealer had come by the office to pick up my car for some non-routine service. As per the usual custom they had a driver bring a loaner vehicle for me while mine was being serviced.

Nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he arrived, I greeted him in my lobby as usual and proceeded to go about filling out the required paperwork for the transaction. Then he asked if I was still with the same insurer from last time. As I am, I indicated in the affirmative, slightly pleased that after 4 and a half years of this the dealer had improved their process and had my information on file. Then the drivers tone became most unpleasant and almost hostile, "I can't leave our car with you then. We have this memo and we can't let you drive our car if you have that insurance." Needless to say I was a bit dumbfounded, I'd never had a problem before and never heard of any change in policy. As I tried to comprehend what was going on and it's direct impact to me, and getting my car serviced, we came to the agreement that he would take my car back to the shop, along with the keys to his car.

This of course was perfectly acceptable to me. The dealer had only once not been able to finish up my requests on the same day, and I suspected they'd be able to this time as well. When I mentioned to the driver that all was fine and I'd probably have it back in the afternoon I was then hit with a barrage of comments about him not being a mechanic and not being able to guarantee anything. I should note here that I hadn't asked him to guarantee anything, nor make any predictions. Yet still he was quite hostile in his general demeanor.

Wanting to get back to my day, and my car on it's way to the "workshop", I reassured him I was okay with all of this and that I should walk him out to my car. As we were walking he relaxed a bit and said "I guess someone's gonna get chewed out for this huh?!" What struck me was both the question and the mild excitement in his tone. Was he used to delivering this news and having people fly off the handle at him? Did he think that was common practice by those who owned this marque?

I replied to his question with "No, I've got bigger things to worry about today. If I get the chance I'll call over and find out more about this, but I really do have more important things to be concerned with."

I mention this here and now, because we all have more important things to concern ourselves with than trivial little matters like this that apparently have sent some people off the deep end.

If you truly don't have bigger concerns, can I trade lives with you? I can't imagine a life where the only thing I could possible need to flip out over is that someone forgot to tell me about a policy that would in no way impact my day.

As you work towards becoming a gentle person yourself remember your manners and when people you encounter deliver bad news (save the truly horrible kind) remember that there are bigger things to be concerned with and don't flip out at them. Flipping out is not what a gentleman would do. If the situation is very troubling then you know in the future not to do business with that organization. If for some reason you must continue to do business with them, then you can only smile and not let it bother it you.

In case you were wondering, yes my car was returned within the day as I expected, and no I never did call anyone and "chew them out". When I spoke with the service adviser about the work that had been done I did ask about the policy and he offered to send along a letter outlining it. No fuss, no muss.

What if I had needed a car that day? I probably would have just rescheduled the service for another time. Would that be an inconvenience? Absolutely. Would it be worth getting all upset about? Probably not.

The sky is falling….

The past few weeks have been very trying for those who work for financial firms. With the markets all over the place and uncertainty about a government ordained rescue / bail out / investment I’m glad to see that there is one man who’s not losing his cool over the matter. Well okay maybe two men. John Bogle and Warren Buffett. If you search for video interviews of Mr. Bogle on Bloomberg or Morningstar you’ll find that he keeps saying the same thing. What’s even better is that he’s been saying that same thing for well over 20 years!! It doesn’t get any more consistent than that folks.

If you’re new to investing I would highly recommend that you purchase, or borrow from your local library, his book “The Little Book of Common Sense Investing” it contains those invaluable pearls of wisdom that can seem simple at first blush, but hold mountains of truth.

The Evolving Gentleman hereby tips is hat to John C. Bogle, founder of the Vanguard Group and champion of the everyday man.

I’m writing this week about the “financial crisis” because it didn’t have to be. While it’s impossible to pin down the exact cause of it, we can safely say that the motivating factor for all the causes was greed. We all know that we shouldn’t spend more than we earn, yet millions of people do exactly the opposite every year, in the US the average consumer credit card debt is around $40,000 last time I checked. Pile on a home mortgage, an auto loan, and you’ve got the makings of a mess. When we let businesses do that, and do it in a much larger scale, we’re really playing with fire. Add in investments in securities instruments that a lot of people barely understand and can’t figure out how to price… well you have the situation we’re currently in. All is not lost however, the stock markets will once again return to their patterns of growth. It’s what they do. Time after time. Cycle after cycle.

I’m not going to offer you advice on what to do with your investments, because I would say now looks like a good time to be buying investments. Nor can I offer you advice on how to survive a possible economic downturn, because you needed to prepare 5 years ago, anything you do now will most likely feel like too little, too late.

How do we avoid making these mistakes next time? Simple, don’t have debt you can’t afford. Some things it’s nearly impossible not to have, for example a home mortgage. The prices of homes over the past 3 decades has made it nearly impossible for the middling people (like yours truly) to pay cash for a home. While it may be necessary, you can protect yourself by being smart about it. For example if long term interest rates are near historic lows, get a fixed APR on your mortgage. If rates are at historic lows they’re not likely to go down much more. They’re actually more likely to rise, so if you get an adjustable rate mortgage you’ve almost guaranteed yourself an increasing mortgage payment. I know way too many “smart” people who did this and they’re now in danger of losing their homes.

Another way you can protect yourself is to not buy more home than you can afford. I understand the temptation, I do. I too would like to have one of those homes you see on Cribs, or other celebrity shows, but I’m not a celebrity, I don’t have royalties from my last album coming in so I can’t afford a place like that, and most likely neither can you. Stay within your means, you can always trade up later if you need or want to. Additionally don’t over pay for what you’re buying. A few years ago homes in the US were selling for more than the asking price. It was what was termed “a sellers market”. When you go to buy a home ask yourself how much you’d pay in rent for the place. If your mortgage and taxes, etc. are the same or less than what you’d pay in rent consider the price about right. (The logic of this comes from the fact that when a landlord rents a place out he must incur all the expenses a home owner does, mortgage, taxes, etc., and make a little profit on top of that. So if your all in number as an owner would be higher than you’d be willing to pay in rent for the property, you’re paying too much for the property.)

Now I know that someone will comment that I’m not factoring in the tax advantage of owning property or the benefits of increasing equity in the home, to which I can only say they’re right. Because what’s important is that you’re able to make those monthly mortgage payments without straining yourself to do so. Tax breaks are nice, equity is nice, but they don’t help you pay the bills month to month, you need to be concerned about your monthly cash flows. Whatever you get back from the tax man at the end of the year is bonus money.

Next up is personal savings. As the wonderful book “The Richest Man in Babylon” states, 1/10 of all you earn is yours to keep. It doesn’t really matter where you put it, your bank, a mutual fund, your 401k, buried in a tin in the back yard; keep 1/10 of what you earn for yourself. Meaning live on 90% of what you earn. Does that mean cutting back on the luxuries for some of us? Yes! For those that are living paycheck to paycheck I know that’s very tough to do. I won’t deny that in some situations it’s nearly impossible, but try. If when you get a raise you put that money in the bank you’ll be starting. And after all you were surviving, perhaps barely, without the raise before, so hold on to that money.

Holding on to our money brings us to credit cards. These too are almost impossible to live without. But we really need to try and live without them. Keep one around for your emergency expenses, like buying a last minute ticket to fly across the country for a family emergency. Don’t use it for your everyday expenses, unless you’re getting rewards points and you pay it off every month. However I’ve found that with most people as long as the money is still in their bank account they’ll spend that money over and over until it’s not in their account anymore. Also if you carry a balance on your credit card you’re paying interest on that money, and most credit cards aren’t low interest. So why give money to someone who hasn’t really given you anything in return for it? (If you like to do that you can send it to me, at least I’ve given you these lovely posts to read.) The best advice I can give is don’t use the credit card for everyday items, use a debit card. Most merchants actually prefer debit cars as well since the transaction charges are less for them on debit cards than credit cards.

If the bankers had only acted responsibly, and protected consumers, and businesses, from themselves we wouldn't be in the mess we're currently in, at the very least it wouldn't be this big.

Acting in a responsible way is the way of a gentleman, in case you were wondering the relevance to this blog.

I think that’s enough for today, and I hope the length of this post makes up for my silence over the past months. I won’t bore you with details, it’s been a blur of a year.

Funerals and Death

There comes a time in everyone’s life when they must attend a funeral, or at least offer consolation to those who’ve lost someone. For me, my first funeral was when I was 5 years old. My grandmother passed away. I’m not sure how it was explained to me at the time, but I do recall never again asking when grandma was coming or when we were going to her house. (Perhaps that was the one good thing about religion, it provided the background for God and Heaven).The fortunate thing about that is that no one expects you, at 5, to do much other than sit there and be sad (and perhaps a bit rambunctious). However as we get older we’re expected, or compelled, to offer some condolence to those left behind. Not long ago a co-worker lost a family member, when he told me he explained it best I think by saying that he never knew what to say when people would tell him that someone they knew passed so he didn’t expect much from us either.

A few weekends ago I spent 5 hours (mentioned in another post) driving to and from the funeral of a pleasant lady who attended my wedding. This had to be one of the most uncomfortable things I’ve done. I hadn’t meet this lady before my wedding, nor have I seen here since. And yet here I was driving with my wife to attend her funeral. She was a friend of my wife’s family, and as such I have no problem supporting my wife with the loss. But it raised once again that question of “What do I say?” Personally I find it’s easier to say something relevant when I know the deceased. Fortunately my wife did the talking this time. However in the past I’ve gone with the tried and true “I’m sorry for your loss.” I have to admit that it sounds a bit insincere, however I do think that most people recognize that it is an awkward occasion and there really isn’t much else to say.

Additionally I would add that it’s common practice to never talk ill of the deceased, not ever. (Unless they hacked up people in their basement for fun.) Not too long ago I broke that rule. I wasn’t doing it to be vicious or mean, it just occurred during the course of conversation about how people tend to do certain things, or feel a certain way about things. I never mentioned his name, and the friends I was with never met him. I will say that I don’t advise that it be done. However if you find yourself in a position where you do, do like they do in the movies change the names to protect the innocent, and the guilty.

Wait & Service staff

Throughout your life you’re going to have some sort of interaction with wait and service staff. Most of these interactions will be pleasant, some will be less so. No matter what remember that those folks are trying to make a living in a demanding occupation. (Don’t believe it’s that demanding? You try waiting on tables on a busy Friday night.) Under all conditions be as pleasant as possible. If an order comes out wrong, apologize and explain that perhaps you miss ordered and what you really meant was ___. Note, you can only do that if you’re still asking for the same thing just slightly different. Recently this happened to me, at a dinner I ordered a hamburger with cheese and fries. However what came out was a hamburger and cheese fries. I explained to the waiter that I must have misspoken, and he promptly brought out regular fries.

Additionally, if you make a mistake, own up to it. Not long ago I was having some trouble with math, simple addition was being deemed too remedial for my brain, and thus it was making comical errors. While adding the tip to a bill I messed up the numbers and did the addition wrong, this was probably because I was trying to talk to the parties at the table while doing the addition. Fortunately we were still at the restaurant when the waitress noticed the error and she approached with bit of trepidation. Before she could saying anything I asked if I had made a mistake (I had done a similar thing not two months prior) and extended my hand to take the check back from her. I admitted my error and apologized for the trouble.

Recently I had occasion to dine with another party at their expense (almost the best type of dining experience). The check came and was paid. As we were leaving the waiter noticed that he had made a mistake and undercharged us. He caught us and explained the error. My host presented his credit card again and waited for the waiter to return with the corrected receipt. While waiting my host called the waiter a “putz” in his absence. I found that disrespectful and wanted to comment that I found it hard to believe that in my hosts years of work he never made a mistake. What made the remark even more insulting to me was that the waiter was a elderly man who clearly shouldn’t have been working, but was still doing so because he needed the money. I would recommend that you take the example supplied by my host as a good example of what not to do. Under no circumstance should one be demeaning to anyone. There is no call, nor justification for it.

To that end, I would like to redirect my readers to the following post by one of my favorite columnists, Stanley Bing who yesterday remarked about his dining adventures.

Arriving Late

It happens from time to time that you will arrive late to an event, meeting, etc. There are of course a few basic rules that one should observe when arriving late. What these rules are depend upon the event to which one has arrived late.

Since it is impossible for me to cover every scenario, I will cover a few basic ones and you can use your best judgment to apply them as you need to the situation you find yourself in.

The Theater:
Should you find yourself late for the curtain the ushers will usually assist and direct you on where to go. You will typically want to take care to remove your coat and check it along with any bags you may have. Additionally if you should try to do anything that would make noise or be otherwise distracting before entering the hall. That would include turning off your cell / mobile phone, pager, etc. I shouldn’t have to mention those, but sadly, too few people can be bothered with this common courtesy.
After taking care of your coat, and electronic devices, you should enter the hall with ticket in hand. Be sure not to let the door slam behind you; hold onto it as it closes to prevent this if necessary. Stand at the rear of the hall near the door until an usher greets you. Depending on how far into the performance they are, the usher will either direct you to your seat, or to an available seat at the rear of the hall, so as not to disturb those who were able to be on time. Remain there until intermission, when you can then take your rightful seat.

An Appointment / Reservation:
If you know you’re going to be late call as soon as feasible and let them know your late, give the reason if relevant (i.e. major accident on road there, you overslept, etc.) if possible let them know when you expect to be there. This serves two purposes, first it lets them know that you respect their time enough to at least call, second if it’s an appointment that can be rescheduled it provides them the opportunity to do so. If it happens to be your doctor’s office, it lets them start seeing other patients, although you should expect to wait to be seen when you do finally arrive.
This is a good policy to follow if you are going to be late to a restaurant reservation as well. Many restaurants (at least in the US) will mark you as “no show” after 15 min. Therefore, when you do arrive you stand no chance of getting a table. If you are late through no fault of your own, many restaurants will work with you to accommodate your party when you do arrive.

Should you find yourself at something you were not expecting to be at, or don’t understand, mind your manners and know your place. If you happen to be at a religious event and it’s not your faith try to participate as much as possible. If you feel uncomfortable doing so, either remove yourself from the situation as unobtrusively as possible, or politely go through the motions of standing, sitting, kneeling and look at it as an opportunity to learn about a religion and customs you wouldn’t have normally experienced.

Rule of Thumb:
A general rule of thumb should be to blend in as much as possible and draw as little attention to one self as possible. Ideally, what you’re trying to achieve, is that if someone you knew were there, they would later come up to you and ask “when did you get here? I didn’t hear you come in.”

Inspiration for this blog

When I first thought of writing this blog I was inspired by this song. While it may have been released years ago, and I'm not a fan of pop music psychology, I find it's words still relevant. I've chosen to bold the lines that are relevant for me today.

I don't drink coffee I take tea my dear
I like my toast done on the side
And you can hear it in my accent when I talk
I'm an Englishman in New York
See me walking down Fifth Avenue
A walking cane here at my side
I take it everywhere I walk
I'm an Englishman in New York

I'm an alien, I'm a legal alien
I'm an Englishman in New York
I'm an alien, I'm a legal alien
I'm an Englishman in New York

If "manners maketh man" as someone said
Then he's the hero of the day
It takes a man to suffer ignorance and smile
Be yourself no matter what they say

I'm an alien, I'm a legal alien
I'm an Englishman in New York
I'm an alien, I'm a legal alien
I'm an Englishman in New York

Modesty, propriety can lead to notoriety
You could end up as the only one
Gentleness, sobriety are rare in this society
At night a candle's brighter than the sun

Takes more than combat gear to make a man
Takes more than license for a gun
Confront your enemies, avoid them when you can
A gentleman will walk but never run

If "manners maketh man" as someone said
Then he's the hero of the day
It takes a man to suffer ignorance and smile
Be yourself no matter what they say

I'm an alien, I'm a legal alien
I'm an Englishman in New York
I'm an alien, I'm a legal alien
I'm an Englishman in New York

http://www.sting.com/discog/?v=so&a=1&id=128

Common Sense

It’s been said that common sense isn’t as common as it sounds and I have to say this is true beyond belief. Case in Point: according to the Washington Post the state of Virginia is considering a law that would ban text messaging while driving. Let’s skip all the philosophical discussion about how the state is imposing it’s will on it’s citizens. Instead let’s marvel at how sad it is that they even need to think about such a thing.

I’ve had a cell phone since sometime in 1994, my family has had one since the late eighties when they were the big giant things that looked like the walkie-talkies you saw in WWII movies. Never in that time has any member of my family been involved in accident while using the device. I contend this isn’t due to a miracle of odds, but rather a respect for the limits of the operator. No one ever tried writing down directions while driving and on the phone. No one ever tried navigating city streets and talking on the phone. Our cars were also usually equipped with the speakerphone option so that we could keep both hands on the wheel and continue to check our mirrors etc. Conversations on the phone were limited in length and usually only for truly pertinent information at the time. All of these habits most likely extended from my father’s extensive use of a CB radio while working as a professional driver.

The use of the speakerphone just seemed like common sense to us. It enabled us to free our hands and our concentration to the primary task at hand, driving. However that common sense seems to be lacking from a great majority of people. If it wasn’t than no state or locality would have to consider banning talking on a cell phone while driving or texting while driving.

I’m not opposed to the ban. Those who engage in behavior that distracts them from driving a vehicle are a danger to their fellow citizens and should be dealt with accordingly. If they were only putting themselves in danger I would be opposed to the ban. For example if we told them not to put their finger in a live electrical outlet, and they did, they would only be hurting themselves. At that point you would just sit back and think “Darwinism at work.” However when they put others in danger, not to mention themselves, you have to wonder what they’re thinking, or thinking with.

A new year, and no resolutions, just more posts

I had a chance to do some thinking about this blog over the weekend (5 hours in a car to be precise). About topics for future pieces and what I’d like to cover. I think part of reason I haven’t posted much lately is that I keep thinking I need to have long posts. However being a gentleman isn’t about things that lead one to long and elaborate posts, they’re usually short little things. They shouldn’t require much embellishment or explanation either. So on that note. Away we go into a new world of shorter thoughts.