Funerals and Death

There comes a time in everyone’s life when they must attend a funeral, or at least offer consolation to those who’ve lost someone. For me, my first funeral was when I was 5 years old. My grandmother passed away. I’m not sure how it was explained to me at the time, but I do recall never again asking when grandma was coming or when we were going to her house. (Perhaps that was the one good thing about religion, it provided the background for God and Heaven).The fortunate thing about that is that no one expects you, at 5, to do much other than sit there and be sad (and perhaps a bit rambunctious). However as we get older we’re expected, or compelled, to offer some condolence to those left behind. Not long ago a co-worker lost a family member, when he told me he explained it best I think by saying that he never knew what to say when people would tell him that someone they knew passed so he didn’t expect much from us either.

A few weekends ago I spent 5 hours (mentioned in another post) driving to and from the funeral of a pleasant lady who attended my wedding. This had to be one of the most uncomfortable things I’ve done. I hadn’t meet this lady before my wedding, nor have I seen here since. And yet here I was driving with my wife to attend her funeral. She was a friend of my wife’s family, and as such I have no problem supporting my wife with the loss. But it raised once again that question of “What do I say?” Personally I find it’s easier to say something relevant when I know the deceased. Fortunately my wife did the talking this time. However in the past I’ve gone with the tried and true “I’m sorry for your loss.” I have to admit that it sounds a bit insincere, however I do think that most people recognize that it is an awkward occasion and there really isn’t much else to say.

Additionally I would add that it’s common practice to never talk ill of the deceased, not ever. (Unless they hacked up people in their basement for fun.) Not too long ago I broke that rule. I wasn’t doing it to be vicious or mean, it just occurred during the course of conversation about how people tend to do certain things, or feel a certain way about things. I never mentioned his name, and the friends I was with never met him. I will say that I don’t advise that it be done. However if you find yourself in a position where you do, do like they do in the movies change the names to protect the innocent, and the guilty.

Wait & Service staff

Throughout your life you’re going to have some sort of interaction with wait and service staff. Most of these interactions will be pleasant, some will be less so. No matter what remember that those folks are trying to make a living in a demanding occupation. (Don’t believe it’s that demanding? You try waiting on tables on a busy Friday night.) Under all conditions be as pleasant as possible. If an order comes out wrong, apologize and explain that perhaps you miss ordered and what you really meant was ___. Note, you can only do that if you’re still asking for the same thing just slightly different. Recently this happened to me, at a dinner I ordered a hamburger with cheese and fries. However what came out was a hamburger and cheese fries. I explained to the waiter that I must have misspoken, and he promptly brought out regular fries.

Additionally, if you make a mistake, own up to it. Not long ago I was having some trouble with math, simple addition was being deemed too remedial for my brain, and thus it was making comical errors. While adding the tip to a bill I messed up the numbers and did the addition wrong, this was probably because I was trying to talk to the parties at the table while doing the addition. Fortunately we were still at the restaurant when the waitress noticed the error and she approached with bit of trepidation. Before she could saying anything I asked if I had made a mistake (I had done a similar thing not two months prior) and extended my hand to take the check back from her. I admitted my error and apologized for the trouble.

Recently I had occasion to dine with another party at their expense (almost the best type of dining experience). The check came and was paid. As we were leaving the waiter noticed that he had made a mistake and undercharged us. He caught us and explained the error. My host presented his credit card again and waited for the waiter to return with the corrected receipt. While waiting my host called the waiter a “putz” in his absence. I found that disrespectful and wanted to comment that I found it hard to believe that in my hosts years of work he never made a mistake. What made the remark even more insulting to me was that the waiter was a elderly man who clearly shouldn’t have been working, but was still doing so because he needed the money. I would recommend that you take the example supplied by my host as a good example of what not to do. Under no circumstance should one be demeaning to anyone. There is no call, nor justification for it.

To that end, I would like to redirect my readers to the following post by one of my favorite columnists, Stanley Bing who yesterday remarked about his dining adventures.

Arriving Late

It happens from time to time that you will arrive late to an event, meeting, etc. There are of course a few basic rules that one should observe when arriving late. What these rules are depend upon the event to which one has arrived late.

Since it is impossible for me to cover every scenario, I will cover a few basic ones and you can use your best judgment to apply them as you need to the situation you find yourself in.

The Theater:
Should you find yourself late for the curtain the ushers will usually assist and direct you on where to go. You will typically want to take care to remove your coat and check it along with any bags you may have. Additionally if you should try to do anything that would make noise or be otherwise distracting before entering the hall. That would include turning off your cell / mobile phone, pager, etc. I shouldn’t have to mention those, but sadly, too few people can be bothered with this common courtesy.
After taking care of your coat, and electronic devices, you should enter the hall with ticket in hand. Be sure not to let the door slam behind you; hold onto it as it closes to prevent this if necessary. Stand at the rear of the hall near the door until an usher greets you. Depending on how far into the performance they are, the usher will either direct you to your seat, or to an available seat at the rear of the hall, so as not to disturb those who were able to be on time. Remain there until intermission, when you can then take your rightful seat.

An Appointment / Reservation:
If you know you’re going to be late call as soon as feasible and let them know your late, give the reason if relevant (i.e. major accident on road there, you overslept, etc.) if possible let them know when you expect to be there. This serves two purposes, first it lets them know that you respect their time enough to at least call, second if it’s an appointment that can be rescheduled it provides them the opportunity to do so. If it happens to be your doctor’s office, it lets them start seeing other patients, although you should expect to wait to be seen when you do finally arrive.
This is a good policy to follow if you are going to be late to a restaurant reservation as well. Many restaurants (at least in the US) will mark you as “no show” after 15 min. Therefore, when you do arrive you stand no chance of getting a table. If you are late through no fault of your own, many restaurants will work with you to accommodate your party when you do arrive.

Should you find yourself at something you were not expecting to be at, or don’t understand, mind your manners and know your place. If you happen to be at a religious event and it’s not your faith try to participate as much as possible. If you feel uncomfortable doing so, either remove yourself from the situation as unobtrusively as possible, or politely go through the motions of standing, sitting, kneeling and look at it as an opportunity to learn about a religion and customs you wouldn’t have normally experienced.

Rule of Thumb:
A general rule of thumb should be to blend in as much as possible and draw as little attention to one self as possible. Ideally, what you’re trying to achieve, is that if someone you knew were there, they would later come up to you and ask “when did you get here? I didn’t hear you come in.”