Funerals and Death

There comes a time in everyone’s life when they must attend a funeral, or at least offer consolation to those who’ve lost someone. For me, my first funeral was when I was 5 years old. My grandmother passed away. I’m not sure how it was explained to me at the time, but I do recall never again asking when grandma was coming or when we were going to her house. (Perhaps that was the one good thing about religion, it provided the background for God and Heaven).The fortunate thing about that is that no one expects you, at 5, to do much other than sit there and be sad (and perhaps a bit rambunctious). However as we get older we’re expected, or compelled, to offer some condolence to those left behind. Not long ago a co-worker lost a family member, when he told me he explained it best I think by saying that he never knew what to say when people would tell him that someone they knew passed so he didn’t expect much from us either.

A few weekends ago I spent 5 hours (mentioned in another post) driving to and from the funeral of a pleasant lady who attended my wedding. This had to be one of the most uncomfortable things I’ve done. I hadn’t meet this lady before my wedding, nor have I seen here since. And yet here I was driving with my wife to attend her funeral. She was a friend of my wife’s family, and as such I have no problem supporting my wife with the loss. But it raised once again that question of “What do I say?” Personally I find it’s easier to say something relevant when I know the deceased. Fortunately my wife did the talking this time. However in the past I’ve gone with the tried and true “I’m sorry for your loss.” I have to admit that it sounds a bit insincere, however I do think that most people recognize that it is an awkward occasion and there really isn’t much else to say.

Additionally I would add that it’s common practice to never talk ill of the deceased, not ever. (Unless they hacked up people in their basement for fun.) Not too long ago I broke that rule. I wasn’t doing it to be vicious or mean, it just occurred during the course of conversation about how people tend to do certain things, or feel a certain way about things. I never mentioned his name, and the friends I was with never met him. I will say that I don’t advise that it be done. However if you find yourself in a position where you do, do like they do in the movies change the names to protect the innocent, and the guilty.

Wait & Service staff

Throughout your life you’re going to have some sort of interaction with wait and service staff. Most of these interactions will be pleasant, some will be less so. No matter what remember that those folks are trying to make a living in a demanding occupation. (Don’t believe it’s that demanding? You try waiting on tables on a busy Friday night.) Under all conditions be as pleasant as possible. If an order comes out wrong, apologize and explain that perhaps you miss ordered and what you really meant was ___. Note, you can only do that if you’re still asking for the same thing just slightly different. Recently this happened to me, at a dinner I ordered a hamburger with cheese and fries. However what came out was a hamburger and cheese fries. I explained to the waiter that I must have misspoken, and he promptly brought out regular fries.

Additionally, if you make a mistake, own up to it. Not long ago I was having some trouble with math, simple addition was being deemed too remedial for my brain, and thus it was making comical errors. While adding the tip to a bill I messed up the numbers and did the addition wrong, this was probably because I was trying to talk to the parties at the table while doing the addition. Fortunately we were still at the restaurant when the waitress noticed the error and she approached with bit of trepidation. Before she could saying anything I asked if I had made a mistake (I had done a similar thing not two months prior) and extended my hand to take the check back from her. I admitted my error and apologized for the trouble.

Recently I had occasion to dine with another party at their expense (almost the best type of dining experience). The check came and was paid. As we were leaving the waiter noticed that he had made a mistake and undercharged us. He caught us and explained the error. My host presented his credit card again and waited for the waiter to return with the corrected receipt. While waiting my host called the waiter a “putz” in his absence. I found that disrespectful and wanted to comment that I found it hard to believe that in my hosts years of work he never made a mistake. What made the remark even more insulting to me was that the waiter was a elderly man who clearly shouldn’t have been working, but was still doing so because he needed the money. I would recommend that you take the example supplied by my host as a good example of what not to do. Under no circumstance should one be demeaning to anyone. There is no call, nor justification for it.

To that end, I would like to redirect my readers to the following post by one of my favorite columnists, Stanley Bing who yesterday remarked about his dining adventures.

Arriving Late

It happens from time to time that you will arrive late to an event, meeting, etc. There are of course a few basic rules that one should observe when arriving late. What these rules are depend upon the event to which one has arrived late.

Since it is impossible for me to cover every scenario, I will cover a few basic ones and you can use your best judgment to apply them as you need to the situation you find yourself in.

The Theater:
Should you find yourself late for the curtain the ushers will usually assist and direct you on where to go. You will typically want to take care to remove your coat and check it along with any bags you may have. Additionally if you should try to do anything that would make noise or be otherwise distracting before entering the hall. That would include turning off your cell / mobile phone, pager, etc. I shouldn’t have to mention those, but sadly, too few people can be bothered with this common courtesy.
After taking care of your coat, and electronic devices, you should enter the hall with ticket in hand. Be sure not to let the door slam behind you; hold onto it as it closes to prevent this if necessary. Stand at the rear of the hall near the door until an usher greets you. Depending on how far into the performance they are, the usher will either direct you to your seat, or to an available seat at the rear of the hall, so as not to disturb those who were able to be on time. Remain there until intermission, when you can then take your rightful seat.

An Appointment / Reservation:
If you know you’re going to be late call as soon as feasible and let them know your late, give the reason if relevant (i.e. major accident on road there, you overslept, etc.) if possible let them know when you expect to be there. This serves two purposes, first it lets them know that you respect their time enough to at least call, second if it’s an appointment that can be rescheduled it provides them the opportunity to do so. If it happens to be your doctor’s office, it lets them start seeing other patients, although you should expect to wait to be seen when you do finally arrive.
This is a good policy to follow if you are going to be late to a restaurant reservation as well. Many restaurants (at least in the US) will mark you as “no show” after 15 min. Therefore, when you do arrive you stand no chance of getting a table. If you are late through no fault of your own, many restaurants will work with you to accommodate your party when you do arrive.

Should you find yourself at something you were not expecting to be at, or don’t understand, mind your manners and know your place. If you happen to be at a religious event and it’s not your faith try to participate as much as possible. If you feel uncomfortable doing so, either remove yourself from the situation as unobtrusively as possible, or politely go through the motions of standing, sitting, kneeling and look at it as an opportunity to learn about a religion and customs you wouldn’t have normally experienced.

Rule of Thumb:
A general rule of thumb should be to blend in as much as possible and draw as little attention to one self as possible. Ideally, what you’re trying to achieve, is that if someone you knew were there, they would later come up to you and ask “when did you get here? I didn’t hear you come in.”

Inspiration for this blog

When I first thought of writing this blog I was inspired by this song. While it may have been released years ago, and I'm not a fan of pop music psychology, I find it's words still relevant. I've chosen to bold the lines that are relevant for me today.

I don't drink coffee I take tea my dear
I like my toast done on the side
And you can hear it in my accent when I talk
I'm an Englishman in New York
See me walking down Fifth Avenue
A walking cane here at my side
I take it everywhere I walk
I'm an Englishman in New York

I'm an alien, I'm a legal alien
I'm an Englishman in New York
I'm an alien, I'm a legal alien
I'm an Englishman in New York

If "manners maketh man" as someone said
Then he's the hero of the day
It takes a man to suffer ignorance and smile
Be yourself no matter what they say

I'm an alien, I'm a legal alien
I'm an Englishman in New York
I'm an alien, I'm a legal alien
I'm an Englishman in New York

Modesty, propriety can lead to notoriety
You could end up as the only one
Gentleness, sobriety are rare in this society
At night a candle's brighter than the sun

Takes more than combat gear to make a man
Takes more than license for a gun
Confront your enemies, avoid them when you can
A gentleman will walk but never run

If "manners maketh man" as someone said
Then he's the hero of the day
It takes a man to suffer ignorance and smile
Be yourself no matter what they say

I'm an alien, I'm a legal alien
I'm an Englishman in New York
I'm an alien, I'm a legal alien
I'm an Englishman in New York

http://www.sting.com/discog/?v=so&a=1&id=128

Common Sense

It’s been said that common sense isn’t as common as it sounds and I have to say this is true beyond belief. Case in Point: according to the Washington Post the state of Virginia is considering a law that would ban text messaging while driving. Let’s skip all the philosophical discussion about how the state is imposing it’s will on it’s citizens. Instead let’s marvel at how sad it is that they even need to think about such a thing.

I’ve had a cell phone since sometime in 1994, my family has had one since the late eighties when they were the big giant things that looked like the walkie-talkies you saw in WWII movies. Never in that time has any member of my family been involved in accident while using the device. I contend this isn’t due to a miracle of odds, but rather a respect for the limits of the operator. No one ever tried writing down directions while driving and on the phone. No one ever tried navigating city streets and talking on the phone. Our cars were also usually equipped with the speakerphone option so that we could keep both hands on the wheel and continue to check our mirrors etc. Conversations on the phone were limited in length and usually only for truly pertinent information at the time. All of these habits most likely extended from my father’s extensive use of a CB radio while working as a professional driver.

The use of the speakerphone just seemed like common sense to us. It enabled us to free our hands and our concentration to the primary task at hand, driving. However that common sense seems to be lacking from a great majority of people. If it wasn’t than no state or locality would have to consider banning talking on a cell phone while driving or texting while driving.

I’m not opposed to the ban. Those who engage in behavior that distracts them from driving a vehicle are a danger to their fellow citizens and should be dealt with accordingly. If they were only putting themselves in danger I would be opposed to the ban. For example if we told them not to put their finger in a live electrical outlet, and they did, they would only be hurting themselves. At that point you would just sit back and think “Darwinism at work.” However when they put others in danger, not to mention themselves, you have to wonder what they’re thinking, or thinking with.

A new year, and no resolutions, just more posts

I had a chance to do some thinking about this blog over the weekend (5 hours in a car to be precise). About topics for future pieces and what I’d like to cover. I think part of reason I haven’t posted much lately is that I keep thinking I need to have long posts. However being a gentleman isn’t about things that lead one to long and elaborate posts, they’re usually short little things. They shouldn’t require much embellishment or explanation either. So on that note. Away we go into a new world of shorter thoughts.

The differences between Gifts & Presents

First, my apologies for the lack of posts recently. It is amazing how quickly time passes sometimes.

The passing of the Thanksgiving Holiday brings about one of my favorite times of year, the holidays. In my case Christmas. I’ve never been able to fully explain why I like this time of year as much as a I do. To be honest it’s quite irrational really. Perhaps it is truly the optimist in me that sees hope that all is not lost and that there is a spirit of compassion and humanity amongst us all.

As the holiday season is nearing I though it appropriate to write about gifts and presents. I had hoped to write today about the difference between a gift and a present. However, after conferring with The New Oxford American Dictionary second edition there appears to be no difference at all. Entries for both words point back to each other. However I maintain that there is a difference, terminology not withstanding, between an item given to someone because you want them to have that item, and an item given because they asked for it.

When I graduated from high school my grandfather gave me a watch. The timepiece itself is nothing spectacular. What makes that watch so special is my grandfather made the watch band. He melted the silver and poured it, tooled it and then inlayed pieces of turquoise. It’s not at all my style, never has been, but I’ve always respected the amount of work and effort he put into it. He also fashioned a silver and turquoise belt buckle for me as a child, which I still have as well. These I term “gifts”. They are items he wanted me to have. I tend to look at them as symbols that he cared enough about me to take the time to create something unique with his own hands.

“Gifts” do not necessarily have to be hand made, they do usually require some thought on the part of the giver as to the receiver. What might they like, what might they need, etc. A gift should enable the giver to display that the receiver is important to them. It should demonstrate that you’ve paid attention to them over the past year, that you understand their likes and dislikes.

“Presents” on the other hand are generally items which a person might already want. A child may have created a Christmas List and therefore there is little though required on the part of the giver.

What should the Gentleman do this holiday season? That should be obvious. If the recipient is a child, by all means give a “present”. If the recipient is an adult, try to give a “gift” if at all possible.