Funerals and Death

There comes a time in everyone’s life when they must attend a funeral, or at least offer consolation to those who’ve lost someone. For me, my first funeral was when I was 5 years old. My grandmother passed away. I’m not sure how it was explained to me at the time, but I do recall never again asking when grandma was coming or when we were going to her house. (Perhaps that was the one good thing about religion, it provided the background for God and Heaven).The fortunate thing about that is that no one expects you, at 5, to do much other than sit there and be sad (and perhaps a bit rambunctious). However as we get older we’re expected, or compelled, to offer some condolence to those left behind. Not long ago a co-worker lost a family member, when he told me he explained it best I think by saying that he never knew what to say when people would tell him that someone they knew passed so he didn’t expect much from us either.

A few weekends ago I spent 5 hours (mentioned in another post) driving to and from the funeral of a pleasant lady who attended my wedding. This had to be one of the most uncomfortable things I’ve done. I hadn’t meet this lady before my wedding, nor have I seen here since. And yet here I was driving with my wife to attend her funeral. She was a friend of my wife’s family, and as such I have no problem supporting my wife with the loss. But it raised once again that question of “What do I say?” Personally I find it’s easier to say something relevant when I know the deceased. Fortunately my wife did the talking this time. However in the past I’ve gone with the tried and true “I’m sorry for your loss.” I have to admit that it sounds a bit insincere, however I do think that most people recognize that it is an awkward occasion and there really isn’t much else to say.

Additionally I would add that it’s common practice to never talk ill of the deceased, not ever. (Unless they hacked up people in their basement for fun.) Not too long ago I broke that rule. I wasn’t doing it to be vicious or mean, it just occurred during the course of conversation about how people tend to do certain things, or feel a certain way about things. I never mentioned his name, and the friends I was with never met him. I will say that I don’t advise that it be done. However if you find yourself in a position where you do, do like they do in the movies change the names to protect the innocent, and the guilty.